From BFF to Mother
by Reneey Umbra
Summary: Kurama is going away for three years, so he makes 18-year-old Lyn into Reneey's legal mother! What chaos can come from that? Crack.
1. Kurama's Announcement

A/N: All right, so this fanfic just came into our minds at 5:40 AM on AIM, and like it sort of happened... This is just a crack fic, no way is it involved in our TVs Are Starting to Revolt fanfic, just pure crackness, k?

Lyn: Because crack is our... well, crack!

**1. Kurama's Announcement**

"Lyn is my what!?"

Lyn blinked several times in quick succession, momentarily at a loss for words. Surely she must have misheard that...

Kurama nodded. "Yes, I'm going away for a couple of years, and I need someone to parent Reneey. So, for three years, Lyn is Reneey's legal mother and Hiei is her legal father."

"Are you kidding me!?" Hiei snorted. "I'm not going to father that brat!"

"Hey! I'm not a brat you asshole!"

"Can we stop with the bickering long enough for me to ask a question?" Lyn interrupted loudly before raising an eyebrow at Kurama. "Aside from the expected questions like 'What have you been smoking?' and 'What paper bag did you pull this plan out of?' that is... Why the heck are you picking me instead of Dad? I mean, he is her godfather."

"I know," Kurama said, nodding. "But he is busy in demon world right now, trying to keep demons from entering the human world. And also because you know her better than anyone else," he added with a smile. "Anyway, I'm leaving in five minutes; here at the documents. Goodbye!"

So the redhead gave Lyn a stack of official-looking papers before going off to wherever he was going off to for three years.

Reneey blinked and looked at Lyn. "So like, I have to call you... *mom*? That.. would feel awkward..."

"Why? Because you think you're replacing your real mother?" Hiei asked.

Reneey snorted. "No way; I'd pick a monkey over my real mother. But because Lyn and I have always been like sisters, and now it's gonna be weird calling her mom." She twitched. "Not that I wouldn't mind having Lyn as my mother, it's just awkward..."

"Whatever, hn." And with that, Hiei left out of the window and onto a tree.

"Deja vu," Reneey muttered, but of course only Lyn actually understood what she meant by that; Hiei just shrugged it off and muttered a 'baka.'

Lyn frowned. "No, it's not. Though I personally fail to comprehend how your dad thinks I can pass for your mother... I mean, we don't look that different, but you have a different accent and then there's the little fact that I'm eighteen..."

Reneey blinked. "Uhh... you had sex at the age of 2... the dad fled... and out popped me... and like... somehow you didn't die and I didn't die and that was actually possible... We just have a whole list of disorders?"

Lyn shook her head confusedly and then blinked at the stack of documents Kurama had given her. "What the -- he changed my birth certificate!? How the -- okay, never mind the how, he's Youko, but what the heck!? I'm supposed to be able to pass for thirty-one years old!?"

"So wait, Ly -- *mom*, I have to like listen to you... obey you... and you have to take care of me... well, basically do everything but what our parents did?" Reneey sighed. "This is going to take a while to get used to..."

"Because I don't already?" Lyn asked, shrugging. "Let's face it, I had to be my own mom and you accuse me of acting like your mom half the time anyway. The big adjustment will be for you remembering not to yell 'Lynni' every two seconds and actually, you know, paying attention to what I say. Because I can't exactly do the whole cohort in randomness and insanity thing while I'm apparently legally your mom."

"Oh shit," Reneey whined. "So that means... you have the right to punish me!"


	2. Crime and Punishment

**2. Crime and Punishment**

"Alright, so Lynni... can I like call you Lynni indoors?" Reneey asked. "I mean, not like I wouldn't mind having you as a mother, I just don't want to pressure you, and plus it's sort of weird... So like yeah..." She played around with her hands the whole entire time, with her head down and eyes locked on her shoes.

"Honestly?" Lyn asked with a light chuckle. "As long as you remember to act like I am when there are people around, I highly doubt it actually matters. Though how I'm supposed to look old enough to be your mom I'll never know..."

Reneey nodded. "So.. like... do I like get rules or anything? 'Cause Daddy does, and I don't listen to his. Are yours gonna differ or like not have any at all?"

Lyn forced on her best evil smile (which was actually pretty convincing, but that's not the point) and said in tones of heavy sarcasm, "Yes, you shall call me 'Mother' at all times, be in bed by seven-thirty, not get up before six, maintain a straight A average in school, and stop cursing immediately or else I shall shackle you in the basement with the wooden head of Kawliga!"

It was about that point that she couldn't keep from snickering anymore and shook her head, her normal expression returning at once. "C'mon, Rea, do I look like a freaking dictator? Just be reasonable. You're fifteen years old, for heaven's sake. I'm not gonna act like you're five."

What was Reneey's response to all of that? Well, she picked her head up, blinked at Lyn, and asked, "Kawl-who?"

"Kuh-lie-juh," Lyn sounded it out, trying not to snicker any further. "I know you have a Russian accent, Rea, but that's a little ridiculous. It's just an average everyday Native American name."

Reneey twitched and threw the evil wooden spoon of death. "Fuck you! At least I don't have English professors saying that I don't know proper English!"

"... Aside from the obvious offense I take because of Southern stereotyping... really now? You're saying no English teacher has ever said you don't know proper English, Rea?"

"Actually, no," Reneey said, shrugging. "You would think that, wouldn't ya? But oh well."

"... Reneey, putting you in second language classes because you speak Russian also counts as saying you don't know English."

"The only second language class I've been in is Russian class to learn Russian."

"Then what the heck were you talking about when you first came to America when they tried to teach you English in school but you couldn't learn it there only from the TV?"

"Oh, that? Dude, that was because I didn't know anything about English, I grew up in Russia! I had no English at all!" Reneey pouted and snapped, "You were born in America, goddamn it!"

"No snapping at your mother!" Hiei snapped back as he came in with ice cream.

"I'll fucking snap at who I fucking wanna!" Reneey growled.

"Stop snapping at me and no more use of foul language!" Hiei yelled back.

"YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER!"

"FOR THREE YEARS, I AM!"

"WOULD EVERYBODY STOP YELLING BEFORE I HAVE TO KILL YOU BOTH AND THEN GO TRACK DOWN KURAMA AND KILL HIM TOO OR ELSE YOUKO'LL KILL ME!?" Lyn interrupted all in one breath.

Did that help?

... Are you kidding me?

"I DON'T CARE! I DON'T EVEN LISTEN TO DADDY!"

"WELL, YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME!"

"YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!"

"I'M YOUR FATHER FOR THREE YEARS! YES I CAN! AND YOU WILL BE PUNISHED!"

"PUNISHED!? LIKE HOW!?" Reneey challenged.

Hiei growled, raised his hand, and went to smack Reneey. Of course, he was a demon and didn't understand human things like how that would be considered child abuse. It was just the way he grew up with -- a child misbehaves, you have to hit them.

Reneey blinked and touched her cheek. "... Ow... That like... hurt..." Then she turned to Lyn. "Lyyy -- I mean, Moooommm! I need ice or something cold... 'cause it stings..."

Hiei snorted. "It's supposed to, brat!"

For a very short moment, Lyn didn't move. Then she started to twitch in a way that could only mean death and destruction was about to ensue. "Rea, go check the bottom shelf in the door of the refrigerator," she instructed, but her gaze was locked on Hiei. "There's a coldpak, it should help. It's squishy but that does not mean you should squeeze it because it will burst, got me? And you --" she concluded simply, eyes narrowing at the demon with the gravity-defying hair. "You I need to have a word with."

Reneey nodded and skipped along to the kitchen to find this foreign thing that she had never heard of... a coldpak. "I wonder if it's blue?" she muttered.

Hiei, on the other hand, merely shrugged, as he had absolutely no idea what he had done anything wrong. "Yes, love? What do you need?"

Lyn's voice was dangerously low and venomous as she walked toward him, glaring. "First off, you should realize that there are only two reasons I haven't killed you yet. First, obviously, is that I know you have no idea why I am presently debating whether these two reasons are good enough, which would not be enough reason if you were anyone else, so really the central reason is that I love you and know you mean well. But let me make this perfectly clear right now: it is not, under any circumstances, acceptable punishment to backhand a child. Not only is it against human laws, but it's uncalled for, extremely cowardly, and accomplishes nothing but harm.

"So now that you know this, I am giving you one warning and one warning only. If you ever try to hit Reneey or any other child who you might happen to think needs punishing, I will remove your fingernails, toenails, and spleen. Why? Because it hurts like heck to have your nails removed, and once I do that, I can wrap them in your spleen and beat you to death with it," she finished with an icy smile that only reinforced the threat.

Hiei's expression rather resembled the face of one who had just seen death. However, that quickly went away, and with a "Hn" he left out the window to who knew where. By the time he was gone, Reneey came back in holfing the coldpak to her cheek and sporting a bleeding lip.

"I don't know which is worse... Hiei's backhand or my human mother's." She shrugged. "So where is Hiei anyway."

"Alive somewhere, which is better off than he should be," Lyn muttered darkly.

Reneey frowned and said softly, "You didn't have to do that, Lynni. I can stand up for myself... ain't the first time I've gotten hit."

"Yes I did," Lyn disagreed, shaking her head. "No one ever stood up for me. You don't deserve that."

"No one stood up for me except you, Lyn," Reneey said. "You're the first one ever, actually... Anyway, so like... when's dinner? 'Cause I'm hungry as shit." The girl grinned... or tried to grin as much as she could, anyway.


	3. Death Threats and Wireless Threats

**3. Death Threats and Wireless Threats**

Squish.

Squish.

Squish.

"This is so fun," Reneey said, grinning. "It's like so squishy, and it's like gel, you wanna squish it till it pops!"

"Please don't," Lyn said with an exasperated sigh as she simultaneously stirred a pot on the stove and checked the progress of the roast chicken and vegetables in the oven. "Or not if you want dinner anytime before sunrise, anyway. Those things are murder to clean up. Don't ask how I know that."

"Can I squish it after dinner?" Reneey asked with her hazel eyes turning huge and her bottom lip popping out.

"... Reneey, put it in the fridge," Lyn said with a distrustful sort of sideways glance.

"But my lip hurts! ... Yeah, it totally does! It really, really hurts! It's like a stinging pain... like... getting burned and then needles shoved into the burning skin, I'm so not making this up!"

"Obviously not. Which completely explains why you can't decide if it's a stinging, burning, or stabbing pain."

"... It's a combo?"

"Put it back in the refrigerator, Reneey."

"Wwwwwhhhhyyyy?" Reneey whined.

"Because it's not even freaking cold anymore! You've had it for four hours!"

"Well, maybe it's cold to me but it's hot to you!"

"... Reneey, put it in the dadburned refrigerator."

"You can't make me damn it!"

Lyn responded by snatching the coldpak out of Reneey's hands, dropping it in the refrigerator door, and then closing and leaning against it with a glare. "You were saying?"

Reneey pouted, twitched, and finally snapped, "Mean!" Then she paused for a second and muttered, "Can I get another, then?"

"If Hiei backhands you again, you can have another on the condition that you tell no one where I hid his body."

"Youko once backhanded me," Reneey said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I wouldn't tell him why I locked myself in my room for about five days, so he got mad that I wouldn't tell him and he backhanded me. His nails hurt like a fucking bitch! I swear, if there were no Yukina with her healing powers, I would be sporting about five scars on my lips."

"... Note to self, kill Youko regardless of whether I have to because I had to kill Reneey and Hiei when they wouldn't stop bickering."

"You would kill me!?" Reneey blinked, then got up and pointed at Lyn. "MURDER! MY MOM IS A MURDERER!"

"Y'know," Lyn said, without turning around from where she was again stirring something on the stove, "I realize that neither your mom or Youko were obviously very good at manners... but it's rude to point. And to yell in the house. But you're never gonna stop doing that, so whatever."

"Dude," Reneey said, twitching. "Isn't hitting people and making death threats considered being rude?"

Lyn looked over her shoulder and grinned crookedly. "Only if they don't deserve it."

Reneey grumbled some curse words under her breath and sat back down. "Hey, I just realized something... You're like thirty-something on your birth certificate! You're old!"

"You know what's scariest about that?" Lyn mused, blinking. "Thirty-one is only five years younger than my mother."

"Yeah... this is scary," Reneey muttered. "So do I like get a bedtime or something?"

"Sometime before dawn is preferable," Lyn said with a smirk. "You don't want people to think you're a vampire, do you? ... Actually, knowing you, you probably would, so strike that question. Just go to bed around midnight. Hide under the covers and stay awake for all I care, but just go to bed."

"Fine, but don't except me not to be on my laptop or texting people," Reneey said, shrugging. "So what do you plan to do to Hiei if he comes back?"

Lyn just shook her head and said, "Better not to tell you. That way you can't be called as a witness for the prosecution in a worst case scenario."

"Fine, whatever," Reneey said as she took out her cell phone and started texting people.

---

Pretty soon it was five minutes before midnight, and Reneey was still texting.

"... Hey, Rea, mind checking what time it is for me?" Lyn asked pointedly.

"Busy," Reneey said, not looking up from her cell. "Cathy wants to go out with Jason, but Rachel, who is Cathy's best friend, also wants to go out with him; but she already has a boyfriend, Chad, so Rachel's best friends are starting rumors about Cathy, so Cathy's best friends are planning to egg Rachel's house. Oh, and there's this party next Friday that I already said I'm going to, k?"

Lyn shook her head as if to shake everything she had just heard out of her head. "Reason number four hundred eighty-nine why I do not miss school. And you can go as long as it's at the house of someone I've met, there are parents there, and you're home by midnight. And if I find out about alcohol or anything similar, I'll weld the windows shut on your room and lock you in until you're ninety. But anyway, it's almost twelve, Rea..."

Reneey looked up and blinked, then did an innocent smile. "Uh... so... Lyn... wanna meet my best friend Annie tomorrow?"

Lyn sighed heavily and nodded. "All right, fine. If you go to bed! It's almost midnight."

"Well, you know I'm not going to sleep! Why do I have to go to bed?"

"So I can go to bed," Lyn said, rubbing her temple. "You know, and know that you're not setting fires or breaking things that don't belong to you."

"Oh please! What are you gonna do if I don't go to bed at midnight?" Reneey snapped, rolling her eyes.

Lyn raised an eyebrow. "Are you forgetting that today's 'mom' was yesterday's BFF? I can cancel the wireless internet any time, Reneey. I only ever used it to talk to you and write fanfiction, neither of which I need it for now."

"Uh, hello -- cell phone internet, duh."

"And whose name is that in, giving that person power to cancel it?"

Reneey groaned and got up. "But don't expect me to actually sleep!" She walked to her room and slammed the door shut.

"Yeah, me either," Lyn muttered almost inaudibly, casting a glare at the nearest window which was completely void of annoyed-looking demons with gravity-defying hair. "Note to self: torture first, ask questions later, kill last."


End file.
